I love talking about myself and sharing my experiences to people I care about. This quarantine season, I guess my kids don't have much choice other than to listen to my stories or listen to vloggers on Youtube haha.
However, in our show on Cignal One PH Inay ko Po, Positive Parenting Specialist Ria Campos Lopez warns parents of being too narcissistic at times when they try to correct or discipline their kids. She says we should choose our words carefully when we try to relate to our children. What are the signs of narcissism in parents?
Cignal OnePH Inay ko Po Oct 10, 2020
1. THEIR LOVE IS CONDITIONAL
"I only love you if you'll obey me."
Obedience is actually a cherished virtue as God calls us to honor our parents. However parents shouldn't encourage insecurities. Children shouldn't be made to believe that if they fail to do something or achieve their goals, their parents would think less of them. They should be encouraged to explore their interests so they would eventually become the best versions of themselves. They shouldn't be too scared of committing mistakes. A better way of saying this would be: "Mommy/ Dad would be happy if you could help." or "God smiles in heaven when He sees you do kind things."
2. THEIR LIVES DEPENDS ON OTHER PEOPLE'S VIEWS
"Don't wear that! What would our neighbors say about me?"
It's good to love thy neighbor but you cannot really love others if you don't love yourself first. Sometimes it is better to consider your child's feelings first before thinking about how your neighbors/relatives would react to your parenting style. Ria suggests that kids should be encouraged to be independent early on. As soon as they are able to communicate, they should be allowed to pick what to wear and select what they want to read or play with.
Parents have the option to limit their choices if necessary. For instance, if there's a formal event they could select from two pairs of shoes. But the shoes presented by the parent should all be formal. If the kid insists on wearing more comfortable, casual shoes, the parent may also consider selecting an outfit that wouldn't reveal too much of the footwear. They could compromise. As much as possible, it's not a good idea to force anything on anybody. Kids are even excused to go home early if they're too tired to finish the party.
3. THEY NEVER VALIDATE YOUR FEELINGS
"Stop crying! I'm so tired with all the work here."
It's ok to let off some steam. When kids become noisy or aggressive, sometimes it's because they can't verbalize what they want or they're overtired. This is very hard to do, but reacting negatively would just complicate the situation. Ria suggests that we should deal with what the kid is feeling & allow him/her to let it out. You could divert his/her attention by giving another book/toy/activity.
If you are too tired to handle the situation, try hugging the kid or getting him/her out of the stressful environment until he/she manages to calm down. If there is another caregiver/parent present who's less stressed at the moment, it is better to delegate the task of processing the kid's feelings to him/ her then deal with your feelings in a separate room.
4. WHAT MATTERS MOST IS HOW THEY FEEL
"Don't be noisy! My head is starting to hurt because of you!"
It's ok to let children be aware of other people's discomfort to develop empathy. However, it's dangerous to blame them outright for a certain negative feeling, illness or condition. A better way of saying this is: "Mommy isn't feeling well today. Can you please be more quiet?" or "Dad has to focus more on his workload. Can you try to go to the other room so he could finish what he needs to do?"
5. THEY ARE UNPREDICTABLE
In the morning: "Wow you're such a happy helper!"
In the afternoon: "What did you do? You're such a troublemaker!"
It's never helpful to assign nasty labels on children. This is quite challenging as everyone struggles to be consistent in presenting good behavior. When young kids aren't in their best selves, take it as a sign. They may be: 1. lacking sleep/rest 2. hungry 3. overstimulated 4. needing/wanting attention 5. just experimenting 6. anxious in not being able to do what they want to do/ where they want to go 7. upset that the parent isn't sticking to their routine.
Consistency is a hard thing to master. But with prayers, perseverance, and patience hopefully we could all raise happier, emotionally fit children for a better future.
